Ding Dong Merrily on Fucking High!

Aww, I just love the festive time of cheer. All those great traditions, carol singers, decorations and digging an extensive network of tunnels underneath your home in an attempt to make contact with a secret race of mole people that shun the company of all but the most persistant of humans.  

But one special guy was out celebrating early last weekend on a lovely dark-pine stained three-seater. Situated on the Eastern edge of the small park opposite the dole office where that homeless guy who's always banging his cock against a tree lives, it has a wide single-trellis back frame, and the old-fashioned triple side-support dowel-strengthened design that most local authorities stopped using after the Banbury Park Horror of 2018.

But amazingly enough, most people failed to notice the fucking rarity of the bench, as a globally respected icon, the very icon of Chirstmas himself was causing quite a scene on it. The big bearded bastard in question polished off a bottle of Smirnoff briskly, and washed it down with a couple of Pinot Grigio's that had a mellow, relaxing vibe to them, unfortunately, it wasn't the same vibe that Santa was on.

Later that night Santa was arrested after a shocking event police have dubbed 'The Rudolph Incident'